I never wanted to ever disagree with God. My heart was deeply devoted to Him.
But in this new season, I felt insecure—taken away from everything I knew and grew to love. I had to relocate to another state, and I no longer knew what was to come; I didn’t like it.
I felt lost, lonely, full of sorrow and discontentment. I liked to be in control and have things my way. However, following His will was my ultimate desire in all seasons, and I knew in my head that it would lead to a life of great fulfillment and abundance.
I never saw submission to God being a downfall. I never would have thought that I would ever question my decision to walk out in His will. But it made me angry that I wasn’t seeing it and my heart became resistant to Him. It was the first time I didn’t see His will being for my benefit.
In my resistance to follow the will of God, and in my anger, I was reminded of the story of Jonah and how his disobedience led him to experience distance from God.
It brought chaos and trouble to those around him when he boarded the boat. There was no peace—only turmoil for him and others. Instead of walking in God’s purposes, he was thrown overboard from the boat and ended up inside a whale. He was in a panic to run from God and His plans, but ultimately he realized God’s will was best when he saw how God was with him: saving him from death and injury inside that whale.
I realized—like Jonah—I was running away from God by not accepting His will in my resistance and anger.
Though God, in His majestic love, wasn’t fazed. He wasn’t by Jonah, either. God, in the quiet moments during those months, was wooing me with His love. He didn’t stop His pursuit when, time after time, I closed my heart to Him. He was softening my heart as He relentlessly pursued me with His gentle nudging to open up and surrender my anger.
I still felt His love and grace in my failings, and His comfort in my pain. But it didn’t stop there. He wanted to show me that my anger was misplaced. In my desire to seek His will and obtain it, I needed to deny myself, my wants, and accept His, knowing they were best.
It was His pursuit of me that opened my heart to recognizing that His will took sacrifice on my part for my greater good. I saw His endless love as He changed my mind and heart to walk in the truth of my anger, and to reconcile what pursuing His will really would take.
In Psalm 23:6, NIV: we read “Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.”
In His attempts to invite me to be with Him, I experienced His consistent goodness and love. And I found the ability to commune with Him despite my reluctance and anger. This in turn led me to finally accept His invitation to share my feelings of resistance—to repent and surrender my anger over to Him completely. He never turned His back on Jonah, or on me. He kept the lines of communication open, and didn’t shut me out.
In the uncertainty of being in a new place, He gave me the security I desired with His consistent presence, love and goodness. He showed me how freeing it was when He is in control.
In letting go of my anger at God and my reluctance into making peace with His will, I learned that no matter what His will is I can accept it. And I know that I can always go to Him wholeheartedly with my feelings. I don’t have to be resistant because He always has the best for us—even when we don’t see it immediately. His love for us trumps all.
Following His will at all times, without hesitation and anger, is possible for you when you open your heart up to the truth that He is always pursuing you and loves you.
Nikki Evanson
About the writer: Nikki Evanson is a grateful believer in Jesus Christ, a wife and mother. She recently moved to Colorado, where she is walking out the calling God has given her—sharing her story to help others and glorifying His name.
