Me and My Big But…..

“He (Jesus) said to another person, “Come, follow Me.” The man agreed but he said, “Lord first let me return home and bury my father.”” Luke 9:59 

“Another said, “Yes, Lord, I will follow you, but first let me say good-bye to my family.”” Luke 9:61 

Does history repeat itself? I tend to agree it does. Especially when it comes to giving God our big ole but. Of all of God’s children, I may have the biggest but problem of all.  

You see, my heart (at least I thought) was ready for anything, ANYTHING the Lord was willing to give me. I was all gung-hoe, eager to shout out a big fat “Yes” to Him. So, in 2017, when this idea of foster to adopt came knocking on the walls of my heart, my first response, of course was YES!

Foster care was never on my radar. I never dreamed of adopting a child. I did always dream of being a mom but foster care? Nah, leave that to “those people.” Nevertheless, in the place I was at and knowing the place God had brought me from, I was willing to say yes to just about anything.  

If you look up at our highlighted scripture, you see two men also eager to follow Jesus (or so they thought.) Jesus said, “Follow me.” They both replied with a “Yes” BUT, wait for it….followed their yeses up with their big but. You see, they had things they needed to do first, then they would follow Him. They needed it their way, on their terms, aligned up with their agenda- sounds familiar, right?  

It does for me.  

Foster care? “Okay God, I’m all in.”  

BUT….. (there it was, me and my big but) 

“But God, I can’t do more than one child. I need a baby. Just one. Younger than 2, possibly 3 but that is pushing it. I need easy, not drawn out. You know me God- I’m not patient at all. Hello, you made me!? But, yes. YES! Yes, of course Lord, I’m all in!”  

Please for the love of me and my big but, can you relate to that conversation I had with the Lord?  

At that time, I actually believed it was an obedient conversation with the Lord. (I said yes, right?) I was really puffing my chest. I thought I was a modern-day Abraham, taking Isaac up the mount to sacrifice him in such admiring obedience and faith. Little did I see at the time, that my biggest asset was not my obedience, it was my big but.  

February 28, 2018

We got exactly what we asked for. I thought- “God actually listened to me!” (insert praise hands). One tiny, four-month old baby girl. My big but had worked, or so I thought.  

As that year passed, it wasn’t going as quickly as I had asked, nor in the way I thought it would pan out. I would find myself reminding God about my big but instead of trusting Him through the process.  

“Hey God, it’s me again. Remember that conversation we had? You came through on most of it, BUT I really need this wrapped up, bow tied, let’s get it moving if you don’t mind.”

I am not the most patient person in the world. Actually, through instances like this very thing I’m writing about, God has taught me a lot about long suffering. As the days, weeks, and months went by, I began to realize that the big but I gave the Lord and what He actually wanted for my life may not be the same thing.

My heart began to shift somewhat. I started to see that by giving Him my big but, I was actually only making His will for my life and the process that only He sees fit, more difficult. Not more difficult for Him, for me.

“And He (Jesus) saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. And they straightway left their nets, and followed Him.” Matthew 4:19-20 KJV

I was reminded of scripture when Jesus called the disciples to duty. They did not hesitate. They dropped what they were doing as they were doing it and followed Him. No buts. No questions. Nothing. I realized, going forward that I needed to model this same attitude. Trust God in the process. Forsake my comfort. And, cram my big but back into the life of comfort that He wanted me to leave behind. You see, my big but was becoming two sizes too small to fit into the life God had in store for me.

October 10, 2019

This baby of ours, now 2 years old, had a four year old sister needing a home. We had always as a family agreed that if the day came, sister needed a home, our family would say “yes.” Yet under my breath, I found myself saying, “These are not the terms and conditions I agreed to.”

My big but was making my life, my thoughts, and my anxiety worse. It was also hindering me. Hindering me from discerning His will regarding what to do about big sister. (Remember my big but? Only one kid, under 3)

God and His marvelous plan was in the process of growing my family into what He wanted it to be. Ironically though as some things were growing, thankfully, my but was not one of them.

After much prayer, we said “yes” to take in big sister.

And can you believe this?  I did not stick my big but at the end of that yes. I simply gave God my yes with no stipulations. My big but obviously did me no good the first time around. So, why would I stick it out there again? God doesn’t care about my big but, He is going to do what He is going to do because, hello!?- He is God!  

If this all seems familiar to you too- From one big but friend to another- Stop it with your big but, just say yes, I promise- He is God- He will do the rest!

Love you friends, 

Erika